Thoughts Lead To Appreciation
As promised, I publish the screenshots of the set of harassing messages I received from my former husband Nurudeen Badr.
In the following analysis of these messages, I shall repost the screenshots cropped to exclude my name and unnecessary spaces and enlarged using Microsoft PowerPoint to enhance visibility for my akada who access Umm Sulaim’s Thoughts on a mobile device.
Commencing with the initial set of messages which has already been examined in the comment on My Abusive Ex-Husband Returns:
Note the divergence in tone with the subsequent messages.
This message was exceeding polished to the point that a person unfamiliar with his cunning will be captivated.
Of course, the critical test was whether I, the one and only, Queen will fall for the hypocrisy.
My rejection of his duplicity crashed the party.
Next comes, the second round of messages.
In the first paragraph, he still attempts to project affected good manners.
In summary, note the “thanks”, “loved” plus the courteous “would” and “could”.
He desperately wants to entice me into a private communication, in the context of debt repayment.
The second paragraph, exposes his pretension.
First, note the statement “I never wish to return to you”.
The common trend is for the woman to – want to – return to the man.
However, he acknowledges and accepts this old mama is the Queen.
He continues and mentions forgiveness. He was not so forgiving when he had the upper hand.
Well worth observing is his use of the term “talaq” (divorce) contrary to his initial “separated”.
He has learnt.
I taught him a lesson during those eight months.
I will continue to do so should he overstep his limits.
That is not all he has learnt, as is clear from “I’m aware talaq is not meant to elicit hatred”.
I consider that a mega leap in the learning department.
It has taken him more than a decade to accept that, assuming he will ever practise it.
When I initiated divorce, I expressed my desire for the divorce process to be amicable so we could still exchange Salam if we ever did come across each other.
Buoyed by his testosterone, authoritarianism, and muscle power, he scoffed my attempts at a peaceful dissolution of the marriage.
For khul’a, the divorce initiated by the woman, she returns her dowry to her spouse, who pronounces divorce upon receipt of the gift he had given her on marriage.
The pronunciation of divorce was in Nurudeen Badr’s court and he vehemently refused to express those very necessary words of divorce.
I had to bring the marriage to a stand-still for four weeks to bring him to his knees before he, eventually, issued the divorce.
The second paragraph ends with a tacit insult – the desire for me to find a man to put up with me.
I recall well he was one man who wanted to do just that, after he realised he had issued divorce and his abuse of power was nearly over.
He cried pledging his love for me. On other occasions, he enquired passionately whether I did not want a reconciliation.
To the third paragraph: no more veiled insults. The pretence is over.
He calls me insolent and abusive and claims he was traumatised during those eight months.
He was so traumatised he attempted to contact me in the year of the divorce, presumably after waiting for my return which did not occur.
Plus, he is obsessed with me and has followed my activities on Facebook, eventually contacting me.
I say he knows he was outshined by a woman!!!!
Power to women!
Here is a return to concealed taunts: children.
During the marriage, despite taunts from him that I was not pregnant, I constantly prayed to Allah that I would not get pregnant for him.
Allah answered my supplications, as He always does.
My not having a child with him was one of my greatest succour, second only to the divorce itself.
No child = No pretence to visit/ pay maintenance/ have custody of my child, in addition to many other games some creatures play against their ex-spouses, via children.
No child has meant there is no need for either of us to contact each other.
In the absence of a child, debt repayment has been his best card to warm up to me, much to my initial and complete astonishment.
I expect he will continue to pretend he lacks knowledge of what to do concerning the debt.
The third screenshot illustrates full degeneration to overt rage.
He prefers a wife who will not strike back when hit.
I am proud for every small thump I give him.
He is aware I did not applaud him for abusing me, in other words justify or tolerate the abuse as other women do.
A couple of years ago, I read a Fatwa of the Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia on the permissibility of a woman defending herself against an abusive spouse.
I smiled, proud of myself.
Unlike a significant number of Muslim women who defer to whatever a man says, I hold my opinion.
For me to accept the man’s words, he has to be right, and not just my husband.
I refused to blindly obey my former spouse during my marriage to him, and that drove him crazy.
It drives him to frustration, even still.
If he resides in Qatar as the source of the message indicates – observe the footnote at the bottom of the third screenshot – the change in environment has not changed his exploitations.
Much of human tendencies to abuse, bully, harass and oppress others is intrinsically motivated.
Such creatures take their misconduct, also known as culture, to other parts of the world.
Environment fails to change the individual, as the individual was not made by environment.