Umm Sulaim's Thoughts

Thoughts Lead To Appreciation



I was preparing another article on the gender war within the home when a dear young friend asked me, moments ago, a shocking but frequently heard issue: The Qur’an allows a man to abuse his wife physically.  The young lady wanted to know in what circumstances and to what extent this was allowed.

My response was brief:

There is no such allowance to abuse in the Qur’an.

I asked her to be patient that I would write about it on my blog.  This is the full response.

The Qur’an made provisions for a husband to be responsible for his home.  Part of that responsibility is the right to maintain order.  Note: I did not say “right to maintain law and order”.  The man is not the law, but acts within the law.  He maintains order.  The state in which he resides maintains law and order.

This is not as what happens in some Muslim communities where men and boys can sleep with whomever they wish, but a girl is murdered for talking to a boy.

As I said in response to a woman who mentioned that a man can commit sin and listen to music and the woman cannot discipline him:

No man should dream of trying that with me superiority or not.  I will boot him out of my life.  If sin is ‘good’ for the man it is ‘good’ for the woman.  If not for Allah, I will do whatever the man does. Men should keep their obscene powers out of my life. I can get to Jannah without a man’s games.

To maintain order, a man is first instructed to advise his wife.  My understanding of offering advice is that the advice must be valid and offered on the etiquette espoused by the Sunnah.

The advice should be based on love.  The man should exhibit firmness and resolve; firmness without shouts or the countenance of a monster and resolve to end the difference and return his family to the status quo.

The advice should not be a demeaning taunt of the wife nor a condescending mono-action in which the husband mistakes his wife for a six year-old.

If this fails to achieve peace in his home, the man is to avoid his wife in bed.  This is the part many husbands want to avoid, for screw they must.  Oh yes!  There is no mistake.  A man who feels his wife is getting out of order must get out of her bed!  And he must keep her out of his!  Yes!  The husband must establish a no-intimacy zone.

If the second approach of no- intimacy still fails to rectify the situation, the husband should strike his wife.  Our Pious Predecessors and contemporary Ulema have described this as a light smack that does not leave a mark on the woman’s body.

My Prophet condemned men who beat their wives as if they were slaves.  If the discipline of beating of wives were the punching and thrashing of wives, irrespective of what they were guilty of, our Pious Predecessors would have implemented it.  In fact, the Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia Shaykh Abdul-Azeez condemned the abuse of wives and even granted women the right to defend self against violence.

Again, no matter how rebellious a woman becomes, her husband has no right to exceed this limit to maintain order.

Note: Within the order, a wife cannot be flogged for any reason.  Within the law, she – just as any other citizen – can be flogged by the state for offences such as fornication, drinking and so on.

The husband, as well as the woman, has the option of divorce, which I have stated in my writings is the bane of many Muslim men and women.

A man would rather beat his wife senseless than divorce her.  The woman would rather leave her matrimonial home in a coffin than on her own two feet.

The result is the drama played out in the news of women with black eyes, lacerations and in a coffin!  The choice is yours.  Remember that always.


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  4. Evelyn
    December 17, 2012

    As one who is Jewish, there is much I do not agree with in other cultures. This line makes me pause, ‘Our Pious Predecessors and contemporary Ulema have described this as a light smack that does not leave a mark on the woman’s body.’ Why is any form of physical attack whether it be as ‘small’ as a light smack encouraged and allowed?
    Why would a woman rather leave her home in a coffin than on her own 2 feet? Hard for one who lives in a western culture to understand or agree with.
    Perhaps you can explain this more or in a different way?
    – Thank you.

    Edited: Name section edited to comply with comments guidelines.

    Umm Sulaim

    • Umm Sulaim
      December 18, 2012

      First of all, you are welcomed to my world.

      In response to your observations,

      1) What you do not understand is the result of your exaggeration of the situation.

      A light smack that leaves no mark is not a physical attack. If you understand the difference, your confusion is cleared.

      2) There is no difference in perception in any right thinking person. An individual need not be in the west to find the behaviours of some Muslim women incomprehensible.

      The situation will be much clearer if you read other articles of mine. There are several posts where I described the psychology of Muslim women, which is based on their personal beliefs; that they cannot live without some psychosis in the home.

      Once again, you are very welcomed to my world.

      The one and only,

      Umm Sulaim

  5. Bruce
    December 24, 2012

    In our household my wife and I enjoy equal status. To lay a hand against my wife for any reason is a sign of contempt. Any psychologist will tell you that is the beginning of the end of the relationship. Friends and family may not notice – but you love will for each will dry up. Men have no authority over women. I have noted that those men who think they do are weak of character and self esteem.

    On another note – If a women is not interested in a mans authority, she will probably appreciate him leaving her bed. Not a punishment but a blessing.

    • Umm Sulaim
      December 24, 2012

      Welcome to my world, Bruce and thank you so much for your thoughts.

      Your observation is accurate that a woman who holds her spouse in contempt will be pleased that he keeps away from her in bed. That naturally leads to a question: Why is she still married to such a man?

      That kind of marriage is a sham and causes difficulties for women who do wish to leave their marriage. I recall during my demand for a divorce a decade ago being told by some men, “If other women are putting up with it [unhappy marriage], why can’t you?”

      The Sharee’ah ruling is clearly directed towards harmony, as opposed to a farce, in the home. My very own Prophet and Messenger of Allah implemented the same boycott of his spouses. After a month, he returned to present them with the option of divorce. AlHamduliLlah (Praise be to Allah), they unanimously chose to remain his family.

      The confusion concerning the Sharee’ah provision on a light spank is that Muslim men are known to abuse that and turn it into a punching or trashing bout, with the overwhelming support of Muslim women, hence the title “THE HUSBAND’S RIGHT OF ABUSE”.

      We shall discuss superiority in the very next article. Keep in touch.

      It is my pleasure to welcome you to my world.

      The one and only,

      Umm Sulaim

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This entry was posted on October 10, 2012 by in Guardianship, Interactions, Love, Marriage, Real Life, Women and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , .


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