Umm Sulaim's Thoughts

Thoughts Lead To Appreciation

MARITAL RAPE: You Will Not Believe It

I still have not figured how rape and marriage should occur in the same sentence. But there you have it. It is even the title of this article. But marital rape is a very serious concern.

Any marriage devoid of physical attraction and intimacy between the couple falls into one or more of these categories:

1. Mutual Consent Between Spouses: The spouses agree to live together as a legally-recognised couple, without an intimate liaison between them.
2. Disinterest: A spouse lacks interest in sexual contacts with the spouse, with the other’s consent.
3. Real Or Perceived Impotence: One spouse suffers from a lack of self-confidence in bedroom matters or feels the other spouse is no longer attracted to him/ her.
4. Neglect: A spouse ignores the other’s needs either with frequent absence from the matrimonial home or through abandonment of the other in bed.
5. Non-consensual: One spouse turns down the other’s sexual advances.

The first two are consensual and appropriate, the third needs intervention and effective communication between the couple, the fourth is permissible for certain situations for only a brief period, and the last is an issue.

This discussion is on the fifth category, from the perspective of avoidance of harm.

One question: What is the woman still doing in that marriage?

There is the simple solution of DIVORCE! That is one word very many Muslim women, and men do not want in their vocabulary. The situation of the woman is more pathetic as she has more to lose by the prolongation of the sham of a marriage. The woman exposes herself to injury.

One of the purposes of marriage and the most vital is the permissibility of intimate relations between the couple. Those of you who are married are to enjoy intimacy, left, right and centre and that is literal. The rest of us can only dream of such intimacy and that is also literal.

When the couple are pleased with each other and the marriage is healthy, both spouses observe each other’s right to sexual fulfilment. If one spouse, sometimes the woman, denies the other this right, she earns the displeasure of Allah, yet Allah has not given her husband justification or right to forced sexual relations with her. Again, there is the valid option of divorce, initiated by either party.

As marriage is the legal connection between a man and a woman, it should have an abundant supply of considerations for the other spouse. This is where communication can prevent strained nuptial emotions. Couples should learn to speak with each other, listen to each other and respond to each other’s concerns.

In cases of forced and staged marriages, including scenarios where a woman is compelled to remain married to her husband, not because of her desire for the ipads and ipleasures of this life – as some women will consider this ‘forced’ – but, either because she is in a protracted process of divorce or has been deprived the right to divorce directly or through threats to her safety and intimation, marital rape is rape plain and simple.

There are other situations a woman may find herself, such as having to remain in a former husband’s home after divorce as she tries to secure another accommodation prior to the end of her iddah [1] , a situation in which I found myself a decade ago, partly because I was unaware I could spend my iddah elsewhere.

At all times she should endeavour to keep herself safe. Note my words well, for I did not say she should ignore warning signals from her instincts or from experiences of other women in favour of the usual “it is only what Allah wishes that will happen to me” only to cry foul when she is raped.

If her understanding of Allah means she should switch off her senses, she should not bother to switch them back on when she experiences a nightmare. Sexual violation is the nightmare of every woman, and man.

Yes, nothing happens to us without Allah Knowledge [2] . There is also the noteworthy issue of human will which Allah endowed and ordered us to utilize well. Humanity is not a puppet show of strings and carvings.

A woman’s safety and security begins with:

1. Her thoughts and efforts – No one should believe that a woman is purely the product of her upbringing. Even children given the opportunity and appropriate environment cry out to concerned persons against the abuses they face at home.
If a fully grown woman does not do better than a child, it is for the reason that at some point in her adult life she made the conscious choice that abuse was acceptable. At this stage, abuse is no longer family tradition, but personal belief.

2. Her social interactions – One of the freedoms of adulthood [3] is that of choice of association. Women very often present the air of indecision and passivity. Try that in the wrong social circle and not only will you get a beast for a spouse, but your friends will also encourage and endorse your trauma.

3. Her family – This should ordinarily signify a woman’s very sense of security, but some families, and yes some mothers are more concerned with societal ‘honour’ than with the protection of their own daughters.

Each woman understands her situation better than the rest of us ever will. It is in her interest to create her own safety zone.

[1] Waiting period, in this case after divorce, before she can begin to negotiate a fresh nuptial relationship.

[2] As Qadaa or Divine Events needs further explanation, I shall leave that for a future article.  The reader is encouraged to ask any question if clarification is urgently needed.

[3] Children too have this freedom, but it is curtailed by the family on whom they are predominantly dependent.

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5 comments on “MARITAL RAPE: You Will Not Believe It

  1. Pingback: OBEDIENCE TO THE HUSBAND: My Story « Umm Sulaim's Thoughts

  2. Pingback: SEXUALITY: Do Muslim Women Feel Sexy? « Umm Sulaim's Thoughts

  3. Pingback: FOUR MONTHS IN REVIEW 2012 « Umm Sulaim's Thoughts

  4. Badmos Abdulkabeer
    May 6, 2013

    Wow…! This article α̲̅πϑ others is simply WOW!!! Great job sis, may Allah continue to empower γφυ.

    • Umm Sulaim
      May 6, 2013

      As-Salam alayka waRahmatuLlah waBarakatuH.

      Welcome to my world, Badmos.

      Aameen to your du’a.

      JazakAllah khayra for the appreciation and support.

      Remember to share the article with your family and friends, so they too can enjoy it.

      The one and only,

      Umm Sulaim

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