Umm Sulaim's Thoughts

Thoughts Lead To Appreciation


The Purity Of Love.

We desire to love and be loved, cherished and respected.  Any one single knows that.

The need for love is amplified when one sees couples in love.  One feels so lost.  Personally, my sense of loneliness has recently been intensified at the images of Michelle and Barack Obama in warm embrace.  The two of them are killing me!  (Do not take the ‘killing’ part literal.)

The desire for love and companionship should of course, not override common sense, the absence of which renders one vulnerable to opportunists and exploiters and to a pretentious ceremonial marriage, full of disappointments and betrayals.

What mechanisms in the quest for a loving relationship do we singles employ to liberate love and capture deception in a psychological filter?  I shall provide an outline of my criteria of needs and submissions, with the most important first.

Care and Compassion

The key to the love filter is mutual care and compassion between the interested parties and its essence is love of Allah.

Care and compassion must be mutual, in addition to compatibility of interests and thoughts, the acceptability of the prospect of marriage and sharing a life together.  Note that though care and compassion open the door to attraction and compatibility, they may exist independently of shared interests and thoughts.

I have heard some young ladies state that marriage to someone who loves one is better than marriage to someone whom one loves.  There is some truth in that, but for the crucial issue of companionship and residency.  I wonder how a woman can live with a spouse in whose company she is not totally comfortable and to whom she bears little or no attraction.

She may want a man who spends more off-work time at home and the man may be someone who only comes home to bed and sometimes for a meal.  Or she may want someone who makes her laugh and the man may not have a sense of humour.

If the two components mutual care and compassion are not present, the discussion comes to an abrupt, but courteous end.

Love of Allah has been placed secondary to care and compassion with valid reasons: very few nuptial hopefuls will volunteer their true intention and admit Allah is not pivotal in their life; and love of Allah is frequently misconstrued to signify endurance of hurt and neglect.  It is incomprehensible that love, hurt, selfishness and abandonment can coexist in harmony.

Culture and Family

Under normal circumstances, these are ones private business, or should I say, private headache and I would not consider them.

A man brought up in a meddling, gossip family or culture will have a tough time keeping his family and ethnic group in check, assuming he intends to keep them from causing problems in his new home.

In such a situation, there must be a null or low risk of familial or cultural interference in ones marriage.  This, in my opinion is the most critical, as by this one acknowledges that the source of conflict may not be limited to the couple, but is a suffocating ocean of in-laws and tribesmen.

Commitment to Islam

Commitment to Islam should be an obvious condition.  But with a complicated mix of personal and cultural beliefs to which one adheres tenaciously, an individual’s view of Islam is tainted.

The influence of these distortions in ones marriage is disastrous and does affect the other spouse.  This is especially so if the spouse with deep-rooted personal and cultural inclinations is the husband.  There is a great risk the marriage will be a display of obscene abuse of powers and neglect.

In a nutshell, personal beliefs determine how the couple treat each other and their expectations of self and other.

Other considerations are:

  1. Marital status – He must be single.  Although I may make an exception, it is highly unlikely.
  2. Earnings – He should be innovative and versatile, a hard working man who knows why he is working – for his family – and knows when to relax and enjoy the fruits of the day’s efforts.
  3. Presence of a child – especially, in cultural societies.  You do not want to be the wicked step-mother.
  4. Age – He should be alive!
  5. Weight and height – No extended abdomen!  And taller than me.

My need for love and care cannot be fulfilled when I am not attracted to the man.  This is a case of too many interested men, too few interesting men!

There are, of course, some Muslim women who will not hear of us seeking happiness and would rather we married a selfish wretch, so we can share their sense of abandonment.

My desire for a prince charming prompted a woman, whose husband neglected alone in a maternity ward during the birth of his own child as he hates to see blood, to quickly post that instead, I should make Allah King of my heart.  I was furious and informed her that Allah is already King of my entire existence and not just of my heart.

Seeking a man who respects us and does not think only of himself when we need his support does not contradict our love of Allah.

Had she gone into labour strolling and received no assistance from passers-by we would have been censured for that.  May Allah forbid it occurred in a non-Muslim neighbourhood; a worldwide campaign would have ensued on how the hatred non-Muslims show towards Islam propelled them against coming to the aid of a Muslim woman in labour.  Her own husband did it to her and she has mouth for me; individuals who have greater proficiency running the private lives of others.

Misery seeks to recruit more individuals to misery. Be sure to make yourself unavailable for such recruitment.  As for me, I will certainly not sign any conscription to torment.

What is the difference between a married woman who was uncared for by the one person who should be her first and last fortress as well as the last man standing and someone such as myself who live alone and have to fend for myself despite ill-health conditions, besides the former being screwed, in bed and out, by a man!

As I wrote to a dear male friend D A B, I will rather be single and happy than married and miserable.  Allah’s Aid, Protection and Love of us do not require we lose our senses and enter into or remain in the wrong relationship.

The right relationship is enriched with love, care and compassion.  My darling friend A E M, one of the few Muslim women I am pleased to connect, has got just that with her lover of a husband and their action-packed love-life.  She is the queen!  Go girl!

To all singles, seek love, but equally important seek compatibility.  There is someone special for us; we should seek our prince charming with much patience and prayer.


13 comments on “THE PURITY OF LOVE

  1. Olayemi Ogunniyi
    August 29, 2012

    Above all, love is the message and the message is love. Love others as you want to be loved.

    • Umm Sulaim
      August 29, 2012

      Thank you, Olayemi.

      Indeed only those who are incapable of love do not understand the need to be loved.

      Welcome to my world and continue to participate and share posts with your friends.

      Umm Sulaim

  2. Umm Sulaim
    August 29, 2012

    My use of the term ‘prince charming’ is stinging some Muslims.

    To them, I say: Look, if you do not want a man or woman who loves you, it is your right and your choice.

    Question: Do the rest of us have the right and choice to love and be loved?

    These Muslims are not ashamed of themselves that the common perception of a Muslim marriage is of beatings, maimings and murders.

    I challenge them to publicize their true marital life, preferably in non-Muslim media, as comments in a Muslim one is expected to be heavily censored.


    Some Muslims have trained themselves to stupendous delusion that marriage is mere cohabitation.

    To them, again: Live your misery, but know this: Any where I read that Muslim women are being mistreated or have little or no rights, I will be sure to let everyone know that MUSLIM WOMEN MADE THAT CHOICE. That is the crucial part missing in media narrations about Muslim women.

    Umm Sulaim

  3. Umm Sulaim
    August 30, 2012

    To them again I say,

    If my choice of love and happiness is influenced by television, your choice of misery and torment was influenced by zero-vision.

    Umm Sulaim

  4. Umm Sulaim
    August 30, 2012

    To all the wonderful Muslim women who know we deserve love,

    Thank you so very much for the vote of confidence. Indeed love is pure.

    We should continue to make our voices heard. The word is: WE WANT LOVE.

    I love you all.

    The one and only,

    Umm Sulaim

  5. Abu Aisha
    September 25, 2012

    My Dear Sister, please note that there is no perfect man nor perfect woman on earth but love is about managing a love for success. Your thought promotes more of single-hood than marriage, I can perceived from your write up that you need a man in your life urgently and the absence of this man brought about this internet-love – MY THOUGHTS!

    Like I said, you can continue to search for MR PERFECT but I know no man is totally perfect neither are you perfect as a woman. Since you have offers from men, I admonish you to choose the best among these guys and let your problems become his, especially your health that require attention – I guess ordinary good care from a man may go along way to reduce your ailments.

    Nevertheless, the condition for marriage in Islam are; wealth, family lineage, personality/beauty and religious-Islam and the Prophet (SAW) recommended the last. Your proposed conditions for love or marriage are secondary.

    My Dear Sister, I can see you as a strong and courageous woman, you set the past aside and give another man a trier and I wish you the best.

    Your future is very bright!


    Abu Aishat

    • Umm Sulaim
      September 26, 2012

      You must be hallucinating: ‘perfect man’, ‘perfect woman’, ‘Mr Perfect’, ‘internet-love’, ‘your health’, ‘your ailment’.

      There are many Muslim women looking for psychos like you. Marry one of them and BACK OFF. I WILL NOT MARRY YOU. I have told you that before.

      One more thing: I do NOT want to be a man’s PROBLEM!

      The one and only,

      Umm Sulaim

  6. Abu Aisha
    September 26, 2012

    You are also hallucinating because you are dreaming of a new and different zone (world) for yourself. You are likely to get better results from marriage – personal discussions of your ‘thoughts’ with a man you love instead of the Internet.


    Since our discussion is getting personal, I rest my case.

    I wish you best of luck!

    Abu Aisha.

    • Umm Sulaim
      September 26, 2012

      Marriage to a psycho is a worse problem.

      The one and only,

      Umm Sulaim

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